Only reason i’m still alive is so i can read Anis Mojganis new book of poetry
Thank you for everything
i got home yesterday
i’ve been at a treatment centre
for my self harm, ED, drugs, alcohol, bipolar-ness, sexual abuse, attempted suicide and pretty much going catatonic
sorry i disappeared
don’t really know what to do now
Is it wrong that i get a kind of thrill when i lie to someone? When someone believes my lie easily, small or big. When i get some one to believe what i want them to, i like it, it feels like a kind of achievement. I guess that’s manipulation?
Though my point of this is -
AILEEN WHERE ARE YOUUU????!!!
Aileen is my friend, yes a tumblr friend, but friend nevertheless. Her birthday was on the 4th of July which being on a bender in the Hamptons i missed and wished her two days later, that’s the last time i messaged her.
I’m sorry i didn’t respond to your message sooner and only did with a birthday wish :(( now she’s disappeared off tumblr. I thought i’d wait it out and see if she might come back but it’s been over a month now.
AILEEN IF YOU SEE THIS I MISS TALKING TO YOU :((((((((((((((
i feel like shit
yeah so i’m listening to Korn right now the title is not relevant to anything.
I think i might have been slightly manic for last two weeks, mostly after my birthday and in Boston.
I’m home now and i’m just feeling confused, not really sure about what though. I guess you could say more uneasy, and dissociated since i can’t feel my body as being mine.
I thought dissociation was a permanent thing, as in depersonalization. Once you start feeling that way it just stays and it doesn’t like come and go… i’m talking like an imbecile because i’m mentally exhausted even though i’ve done nothing except hang out with Vince for a few hours and watch this anime(?) movie called Spirited Away,which was nice, and he talked about how excited he was that his boyfriend’s arriving day after tomorrow for a few days.
I’m excited for him and generally as well because i like his boyfriend but i know from now that i’m not going to be very social with him, don’t know why.
Anyway my parents aren’t here. My dad flew in a few days ago again and now my mother and him have taken a mini vacation to Cabo. You’d think that being on my own without any supervision at home i would be enjoying myself but i just mostly stay in my room, get high and listen to music.
Life seems mundane now, it’s like a routine of nothingness if that makes sense. I make small cuts on and around my wrists, hidden under Buddhist prayer beads my friend got from Nepal that i wear as bracelets, just to do something or feel something. It all sounds so cliche, me trying to explain why i do what i do and what i feel. Probably why sometimes i don’t even bother doing it.
I met a guy last week, he was nice, and he seemed pretty interested in me but i doubt he is anymore considering that i’ve ignored his calls and texts to meet up since then. It’s a pity though because he’s pretty great from what i gathered and we have a lot in common. But surely my mental illness-ness kicks in and makes me doubt everything and myself and i lack the motivation and energy to do anything. I don’t know what i’m saying anymore.
who's vincent? you talk about him a lot, well a lot mreo than others.
Vincent is my bisexual(mostly guys) best friend who is too nice, too handsome, too smart and too understanding to be associated with me, who i sometimes think i might be in love with.
He's gay bitch. You're just mad because he's not on your team. Eat your heart out.
Well no not really
my admiration for him would be the same even if he were gay, may be even more. It’s not like we’re gonna hook up anytime soon or anything so it doesn’t really matter does it?
“I’m queer” - Ezra Miller
People really need to educate themselves before flipping all kinds of shits
Even if he was gay what’s the big deal? He’s still one of the most physically and mentally/intellectually beautiful people out there, jeez.
It’s 2012 for fucks sake
Harry and Adrian are twin brother, sons of Russel who is the brother of Samuel, who is one of my fathers oldest friends. My sister and i used to have several play dates with Harry and Adrian and spent a lot of time together until they moved to a new city.
Over the years we met from time to time at major events and dinner parties. I haven’t seen Harry and Adrian for about 6 years now but today Harry killed himself.
They say he jumped from his balcony on the 10th floor or it could have been an accident and he somehow fell. The family of four had lunch together after which uncle Russ went back for a meeting, his wife took a nap and the boys went to their rooms. When she woke up she went for a general walk around the house seeing what everyone was up too she saw that Harry wasn’t in his room, they thought at first that he ran away or was missing or something of that sort since all his belongings were still there. Only later they were informed that their son was found with his brains splattered on the pavement and was taken to the hospital.
No one knows why he did it or what happened. I should be sad for his parents and for Adrian, but when i was told of it i just thought of Harry and knew that he got the peace that he wanted.
His funeral is tomorrow. I don’t like funerals, mostly because i can’t be as sad and emotional as everyone around me. So i just keep my sunglasses on and be monosyllabic as a way to blend in.